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Archive for 7/20/2008 to 7/27/2008We're So Glad They Had This Time TogetherOne of the funniest moments in TV history might never have made it on the air if the producers of The Carol Burnett Show hadn't decided to include this outtake from a "Mama's Family" sketch that aired earlier in the program. Tim Conway is on a roll with an ad-libbed yarn about "Siamese elephants" as Burnett, Vicki Lawrence and Dick Van Dyke (who joined the cast briefly in the final season after Harvey Korman's departure) struggle mightily to maintain their composure...but it's Lawrence who gets[...] Source: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot  Dirty Shank # 79 Pits You guys have been so GOOD to me and helped rank my cards with smiley faces over at humor blogs- so I'm gonna throw you a bone and post this new Shank early (it was scheduled for the 23rd) AND throw out a tease (does this make me a shank teaser?) - I just got a WHOLE set of bathroom related stamps and have a plethora of shanks up my sleeve - one especially for you Marianne!Everyone over at Humor Blogs is the pits, check it out:Humor-Blogs.com[...] Source: Dirty Shanks What's in a name? Seriously. I actually talked to that guy on the phone Friday, and it was a complete cluster. Granted, he spoke English better than I spoke Hindi, but still -- I understood about every seventh word, and that word was usually "Yes?" which he repeatedly asked me after every unintelligible outburst.It was brutally painful, and I found my desire to end the call rapidly beginning to outweigh my desire for other things like the answer to my question, or my continued life. He kept trying to get[...] Source: 15 Minute Lunch M*A*S*H Up. My two boys, Jack and Thom have found a favorite new program on TV. And, no, it's not Spongebob, Jimmy Neutron or (thank Gawd!) Jackass.It's M*A*S*H.That's right. M*A*S*H. That (sometimes) lovable CBS sitcom that ran from 1972 until 1983. The kids love the humor...from the dry and caustic to the slapstick and predictable, this show hits their funny bones. And to them that Sargent in drag, Emil "Max" Klinger*, is one of the greatest comedic geniuses of all time. That's okay by me...because Harpo [...] Source: Now That's Sick Matthew Fox Loves Tragedy STARRING OPPOSITE MATTHEW FOX CAN BE A REAL DOWNER. “Party of Five”Plot Summery: A car crash causes five siblings to fend their own way in the world when their parents are killed by a drunk driver.“Lost”Plot Summery:A plane crash forces the survivors of the flight to live with each other on a remote island, a dangerous new world that poses unique threats of its own.“We Are Marshall”Plot Summery:A plane crash claims the lives of members of the Marshall University football team and some of its fan[...] Source: Acorn King Spam Your Friends and Family, After The Rapture I'm supposed to be working on other important writing things right now, but who cares about all of that because the freaking RAPTURE is upon us! And holy crap we are so screwed.London Drawling is as unprepared for the End Times as anyone, but no worries. Now, some Christian right-wing freak has invented a way for you to help save gaud-dam heathens like London Drawling even after our lord and savior Justin Christ returns to Earth to steal the souls of all believers for his harem in Heaven or wh[...] Source: London Drawling Why I HEART The Onion Bill Clinton Sadly Folds First Lady Dress Back Into Box CHAPPAQUA, NY—After months of tirelessly supporting his wife on the campaign trail, devoted spouse and former president Bill Clinton breathed a resigned sigh Monday and carefully folded the charcoal silk, fitted sheath dress he had hoped to wear as first lady during next January's inauguration and placed it back in its beautiful box. Steven Tyler Laid Off From Aerosmith As Band's Jobless Rate Hits 20% BOSTON—After years of relative stab[...] Source: No Cleaning Here Tough Day If only there was such a thing for days like today:Humor-Blogs.com[...] Source: No Cleaning Here Just Discovered: The NEW Flubber While promoting this race yesterday, I had the good fortune to sit next to a booth selling these:Z-coils gain energy when they strike a hard surface. I am fairly certain they were invented by this man:This "energy" helps you to jump higher and higher each time you bounce up and down, much like flubber. Before you know it, you will be able to jump over one of these:Z - Coils only cost $200 (coils aren't cheap, after all), and soon, everyone who's anyone will be wearing them. Just remember tha[...] Source: No Cleaning Here Just some randumbness... Cable Channels have been running every Batman movie ever made to hype the new one released this weekend.I've seen the first 2 with Michael Keaton and the one with Val Kilmer but I refuse to watch the one with George Clooney (what the hell were they thinking when casting these men?). The Batman movies before Christian Bale (who might be replacing Brad Pitt in the *My Forever Man* part of my heart... Maybe. I haven't decided yet. I have to think about Johnny Depp too.), to me, were more in keepi[...] Source: Bee's Musings DMX's Career: Soooooo Over It's true, DMX is not actually DMX's real name. This ruff rider's real name happens to be Earl Simmons. Pretty heinous, right? So what's he do, he makes up yet another name. Apparently Earl went to the hospital in Arizona a few weeks ago and gave the name Troy Jones. Officials say the fake name was given to get out of paying the bill. I think it was given in attempt to be cool again.DMX, Earl, Troy, whatever, they've all been in jail several times over the past few years over dog cruelty, [...] Source: London Drawling Sticking it to me On Monday, I received the results of my 1 hour glucose test. Actually, they phoned on Thursday July 3rd I had made a specific request not to be notified on my birthday if the results were unfavorable such that I could eat my cake in peace, so I waited to call back until after the 4th of July weekend. My insurance offered me the opportunity for a three hour glucola test, meaning for the sheer joy of it, I could agree to fast for 12 hours, hire a babysitter, drink the glucola pop and drive to th[...] Source: CHOCOLATE FOR YOUR BRAIN! Travels with My Condensed Canine You read the abbreviated life of Kiner, the first Uncool Canine, in my previous post. What up now, dog?Since his early demise two years ago, my ex-Lab has resided in a twist-tied plastic bag, neatly squeezed into a rectangular metal canister decorated with colorful flora. This is how the pet cremation place presented him to me. I see ads for this operation on the place mats in all the local diners. They deserve a cool slogan: "Your beloved pet -- now and forever in a shed-free powder!"The canist[...] Source: Always Home and Uncool Let's Play Calvinball! ...or, as it's known in corporate America, Insurance Company Rules! Technorati Tags: insurance, satire, advocacy * * * Enjoy this blog? Click the banner to vote for WTF![...] Source: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot I Like The Moon “We like tha MOON!“ squealed the Spong Monkeys in their famous ditty. And what’s not to like? It hangs in the sky like a pretty night light, helping countless drunks find their car keys in the dark. But what do we know about the moon? I decided to investigate. I read a stack of library books on astronomy and astrophysics. To be honest I didn’t understand a word of it, but I’ll have a stab anyway. Location - The moon is in the sky every night. In the early evening i[...] Eminenema This is a little something I concocted last year in Hawaii for my radio show called Rock ’n’ Roll Hell, and made into a youtube thingy. A little word of warning it’s a smidgen grotesque, but then again the title should make that clear. [...] Source: Apocalypso Dirty Shank # 76 Prison The newest shanks are in the Jailbird Commissary store right now except for the ones that sold right off this blog before I could put them in the store!Congratulations on getting out of prison now head over to Humor-Blogs.com and put smiley faces on all my cards![...] Source: Dirty Shanks Now Turn Toward the Camera Just a Little and Moan, Baby...That's It... The perfect accompaniment for your next "boogie night": Forbidden Ensemble's Porno Soundtracks, Volume 1 [WARNING: banner photo is NOT SAFE FOR WORK!]. "This music sounds like a combination of Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof and the Emanuelle sequels of adult movies. Feisty and furious with a sugarcoat of sensuality." These guys have got that '70s smut sound NAILED, right down to the flutter and stretched tape effects! Available as a CD, MP3s from Amazon and iTunes, and as a torrent downloa[...] Source: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Flower power gone wrong I'm not ashamed to admit that my happy place is filled with tons of stunning high heel shoes. Even those that are impossible to wear but resemble amazing art are featured prominently in my fantasy shoe closet. (yes, in my daydreams I have an entire room-sized closet just for shoes, and they're displayed with lighting and staging worthy of the Hope Diamond, and probably just as expensive, hey it's MY dream) Sometimes however, I come across a shoe in real life that is so wrong it threatens to des[...] Source: Wit's Bitch Vexing Hexing Superstitions? Bah. I scoff in the face of such beliefs: Superstition: It's bad luck for a black cat to cross your path. Me: "Here kitty-kitty." Superstition: Step on a crack, break your mother's back. Me: "Screw that, my legs are too short to avoid sidewalk cracks." Superstition: The number 13 is unlucky. Me: "The 13th is the day before the monthly anniversary of my birthday; how bad can that be?" I am however, suspicious. Of many things. Freq[...] Source: Wit's Bitch Leperball Predator Press [LOBO] People are always asking me, "LOBO, with basketball season over and football not yet in full swing, how does a legendary athlete such as yourself spend your leisure time?” Well I’m glad you asked me that. I’ve always believed that people as gifted and successful as myself should spend a lot of time giving back to the community; encouraging the "less fortunate" that they too might become a chiseled physical phenomena such as myself is exactly th[...] Source: Predator Press Horses– Montana’s Glamour Animal Horses.. In some ways ,they are the ultimate Montana glamour animal, possessed of almost mythical strength (ever been pushed by one of ‘em?) , speed , savvy, size and for some unfathomable reason, a natural willingness to work with dogs, men, women and kids. Not even the wolf can match a horse for popularity in Montana’s animal kingdom. Definitely the winner of the Congentiality title besides they smell good. The expression “work like a horse” means something because the[...] A knitter packs for a week at the beach Seven whole days. Where to start, where to start...Hm.No, no, no... Don't panic. deep breaths, deep breaths. It's OK, it's OK.You'll be fine, you'll be fine.But-but-but... how do I leave my stuff for that long? What if... what if I NEED something, and, and, and I don't have it with me? I CAN'T DO IT!Shhhh. Calm yourself, woman! Get it together. Start small.Some car knitting, for the drive down: Damn. I'm at the heel. I can't do the heel in the car. I'll get carsick! OK, OK. Think. Think. No pro[...] Source: Diary of a Mad, Mad Housewife Pour Some Jesus Juice on That There was this recipe for halibut that deserved my attention. No one should eat that carp......crap. Eat that crap. If a grocery store gives out free samples, it uses halibut. Why? (that's one of those straw men questions) because it smells like warm garbage blended in a paint bucket with provolone cheese and hot dog meat. Did that cleanse your palette? Good, you just made room for some "Helibutt". (in BLUE)Helibutt (giant buttox): Helibutt is a popular white ass which provides many nutrients s[...] Source: The Nothing Report Pee and the 80's So, I went to a Sox game (baseball) on Friday with my brother Serge . For some reason I feel really safe with him around, like I can talk shit to all the opposing teams fans and know that if there’s any trouble he’ll have my back.It was 80’s night so a lot of the staff and a few fans were walking around wearing all the ridiculously stupid looking eighties gear. I also saw people wearing mullet hair cuts.Thru out the night 80’s music was being played thru the speakers of the stadium, this is when[...] Source: Dan, the people's blogger. Budget Body Kit Found at yeah-oops [...] Source: Found Shit Professor Quippy: NASA is taking the piss Flush with the success of their most recent Mars mission, NASA is now planning on taking humans to the Red Planet. And they’re starting by collecting urine. Roughly eight gallons a day. This massive pee-hoard will help contractors test a new toilet for the Orion space exploration vehicle. (Which is going to the moon, not Mars, but you have to break up big jobs into little dribs and drabs.) Apparently, the copious amount of wee-wee is needed because it is difficult to “fake”[...] Source: The Skwib Sunday Retarded Argument #32 - Bicyclists on the Road Today’s flame war parody topic is partially suggested by our own Co-author, Les James. Bicyclists on the road: A danger to the public, or target practice? Discuss. Don’t forget to log in to Humor-Blogs.com and vote for your favorite posts. If you don’t have an account, sign up for one, or the bicyclists win. [...] Friends Don’t Let Friends Wear Crocs. There are lines that cannot be crossed. There are circumstances that require definitive action, that demand you take a stand in the name of all you hold dear. I had to take that stand this weekend. A dear, long-time school friend visited Melbourne. We rarely catch up and I was excited, we went out for beer as is our wont. He turned up in Crocs. I ordered a jug of beer. I poured, we cheersed. Eye contact. Hmm…I looked at his feet again. Pale blue plastic special shoes. I couldn’t let it go. [...] Source: Buck Frain's Angry Place A Little Bit of Soap Daniel Radosh, in his book Rapture Ready*, writes about Steeple Hill (a publisher of “inspirational”, i.e. Christian based, romance novels) issuing to its writers a list of taboo terms, including, “Geez/Jeez (can use ‘Sheesh’ instead)”. The reason for the taboo is obviously that those exclamations amount to taking the Lord’s name in vain; “Jeez” (sometimes spelled with a “G” when they messed up chiseling in a stone tablet) was the nickname favored for Jesus by his crew. His boy, P-Dog (later “Ro[...] Source: Late For The Sky No Exceptions! via The Country Workshop [...] Source: Found Shit The Lion's Den for July 20, 2008 Today is the Sabbath and so on this, The Lord's Day, I've decided to rest. Yes, rest from my constant ravings about Lesbians, Leftest, Liberals, and Muslims, and focus instead on the Religious Right. Welcome...To the Lion's Den.And Lieutenant Dan turned to Forrest and asked with great sincerity, “Forrest. Have you found Jesus yet?” And Forrest with child-like honesty, and not just a little fear replies, “I didn’t know I was suppose to be looking for him.”OK, so I see the “need” for church’s to p[...] Source: I'm Sure I Don't Know Precious Encouragements 07/20/08 Julian Bashir: The point is, if you lie all the time, nobody’s going to believe you, even when you’re telling the truth. Elim Garak: Are you sure that’s the point, doctor? Julian Bashir: Of course. What else could it be? Elim Garak: That you should never tell the same lie twice. -Star Trek Deep Space Nine This has been your Precious Encouragement of the Week and your 900th post here at Renal Failure. Hopefully out of those 900 posts we’ve refrained from telling the same[...] Source: Renal Failure Sorry, Mr. Lucas As if Firefly weren’t enough. As if life would have been the same without Buffy… …and Angel. Joss Whedon has done it again. So go here, and watch all three acts. You won’t regret it. Humor-Blogs.com. Shiny. [...] Source: Fold My Laundry Please Where’s Daniel-San When You Need Him? Personally, I blame gas prices for the whole thing. If gas wasn’t so danged expensive, I would never have gone searching for ways to increase fuel efficiency when the possibility of Andrew going on a little road trip arose. But it did so I did and before I knew it, we were off to Walmart [...][...] Source: Fold My Laundry Please Vote for the Cure Recently, I chose to open up to you and discuss briefly my ongoing battle with depression. Living with depression isn’t easy, especially when there are other people in your life depending on your ability to function. My children look up to me. They need me. Without me, they would subsist solely on mini wheat bagels [...][...] Source: Fold My Laundry Please I Think I’ll Officially Change My First Name to Melissa the Magnificent For most of my life, I was a very skinny person. Underweight even. I think I topped out at a whopping 104 lbs in high school. At 5 feet 6 inches tall (okay, so it’s really 5 feet 5 3/4 inches, but you know how it is), that’s very, VERY thin! In fact, when I [...][...] Source: Fold My Laundry Please Learning to Fly I can’t believe how fast Aubrey is growing up! She’s turning into quite the little independent person! [...] Source: Fold My Laundry Please Anybody Have A Tissue? My husband likes to play a little game. Whenever he gets bored, he calls me over to his computer and tricks me into watching clips from sad movies. And I fall for it. Every time. And then I spend the next half hour or so sobbing uncontrollably and wiping absently at my runny nose with [...][...] Source: Fold My Laundry Please Spincycle Park Summer time is in full swing and it’s that time of year again…water park season! If you find yourself in the Salem area, come on down to Spincycle Park at La Casa del Laundry! Home of the Sprayalator! Are you big enough to brave The Sprayalator’s 15 squiggly, wiggly spraying heads? Of course you are! It’s too much [...][...] Source: Fold My Laundry Please Happy Fourth of July! I know I’m a day late, but we were up late last night watching a fairly mediocre fireworks show downtown. Which was followed by the traditional stop at the grocery store for all things junk food. Oh yeah, we know patriotism around here! I’d like to leave you all with a little lesson from that great [...][...] Source: Fold My Laundry Please Seeking Translator: Must Speak Toddler…and Various Other Languages My daughter has become quite the chatter-box lately. She walks around all day long singing songs, telling stories, holding conversations, and, sometimes, berating us. Most of what I can interpret is talk about ponies (her latest obsession) and her Bunny Baby. But a lot of it is still hard for me to figure out. Fortunately [...][...] Source: Fold My Laundry Please Is It Any Wonder I Need to Lose Weight? How gross is it that I can look at this… …and think, "A bacon cheeseburger on a glazed donut? I must try it!" Or this… …and think, "Grilled Twinkies? Now why didn’t I think of that! Brilliant!" Clearly, I need help. Maybe if I slip some ipecac into all the foods that are bad for me, I could condition [...][...] Source: Fold My Laundry Please Ants At the park I watched some ants as they foraged for food. I was fascinated by their determination. What amazing insects! Then I flicked them off my paper plate and kept on eating. note: “Sugar Ants” by Sandra Jenkins. photo by Peter Angus Robinson. http://humor-blogs.com/ [...] Source: I Am The Cheese I'm Trying Not To Be Upset About Diesel linking to Bossy instead of me. I mean, Bossy and I are virtually blogosphere twins. We both blog about John Cusack, which sounds more kinky than it is, really. We both blog about our hair. So help me understand. Is it my Lloyd Doppler finger puppet you don’t like?Is it my bangs you’re afraid of?Seriously, the only difference I can see is between us is that Bossy blogs about construction workers eating lunch on her lawn, and I blog about my French exchange student who diets. Do you have some[...] Source: Prefers Her Fantasy Life Doodle Body Today is the last day of Doodle Week ... awwwww. I did this in paint ... but I actually cheated because I couldn't get the perspective right ... so I kept placing the original (which I found online somewhere) over top of my drawing to help keep me in line. I can't draw faces in paint ... hence the artsy look, or unfinished look ... whatever. Ultimately it doesn't look anything like what I was copying it from, but I like it. And now, people ... I'm all doodled out! Thanks to the Doodle Mast[...] Source: DrowseyMonkey Lazy Sunday XLVII Welcome to the 47th Edition of Lazy Sunday! Last week was the SciFi Edition, and a few answers might cause some debate. First, the answer to #3 was the original Alien, but most people said Aliens, which was the sequel. Am I remembering that wrong, or wasn't the first Alien the one where she was hanging out with the Marines and Paul Reiser in her panties? Another debatable one was #4 - being very, very allergic to water. The answer was not Alien Nation. I would have said "salt wate[...] Source: Avitable: Tact is for pussies |
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