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Archive for 7/13/2008 to 7/20/2008


You might as well hear it from me – I met a boy on the internet, and he's reading this right now If you look to the top of this page, and re-read the introductory blurb in that little partitioned box, you might notice it's worded a little awkwardly. It's not my fault, it's just that there's no other way to say it in the 500 allowed characters without rewriting the paragraph. And I've got no time[...]



Battered and bruised
I'm sitting here at 11:00 on Sunday night, trying to write a post. Every time I type a key, I wince - every movement sends pain throughout my body. My body is black and blue, and it hurts to breathe. Did I get into a car accident? Nope. Did I get thrown from a bull? Nope. Did I jump from a plane and land without the parachute opening? Nope. I watched Britt's kids. Being the amazingly wonderful and nice person that I am, I agreed to watch the kids over at our house while Britt and [...]



Sunday Retarded Argument #31 - Microwave Bacon
I had one of those “no weekend” weekends wherein I tore apart an exterior wall and attempted to put it back together again. Without any help. Did I mention that I’m not too good at careful destruction, and even worse at construction. (I excel at wanton destruction). It was exhausting work, but my wall is now there, protecting the insides from the rain. This got me thinking, nothing rejuvenates like Bacon®. That goes without saying. But what about people that make their Bac[...]



A rambling ?musical? Sunday.
And now back to our regularly scheduled program!Sometimes, I think Andy has this feeling that he's neglecting me. He'll come out of the dungeon while I'm reading or blog stalking and ask "Do you want to watch a movie?" "Go for a walk?" "Play Parcheesi?"Then I feel obligated to STOP what I'm doing so he can feel like we bonded. (Also, I'm a sucker for blue eyes.)Today was one of those days. What did we do on our day of bonding? We watched a Rockumentary Heavy - The Story of Metal that we'd record[...]



Shoes White People Like
Folsom, California is one of those suburbs that seem to be made up of white, SUV-driving, stay-at-home, soccer moms. Rumor has it the city council tried to change the town's name to Stepford. And when the editors at Stuff White People Like look for material, they infiltrate Folsom and take notes. Now, Folsom isn't racist or anything. They think everyone should have a black friend or two. While cruising the outlet mall in Folsom today, shopping for shoes, I came across this: It was the onl[...]



I now pronounce you man and germ
Our wedding guests probably thought one of two things six years ago today. Either: “Wow. She’s really gotten fat. She must be preggars.” Or: “Wow. The girl looks like she snorted something before she walked down the aisle.” Neither were true. I mean, I had gotten really fat, but I was not pregnant. And I did look like I had snorted some kind of illegal substance before staggering down the aisle, but I hadn’t. No, in fact, the fatness was due to stress and eating like crap for a good number of mo[...]



A Candidate Everyone Can Agree On
Hello my fellow Americans.It's come to my attention recently that we are preparing to have an election for a new President. I wasn't aware that we needed a new one but then I remembered that they do tend to wear out rapidly. And everyone always forgets the common maintenance chores that would extend their usefulness; like changing the oil policy and rotating the troops.So I decided to take a look at the new models and I must say I'm disappointed.The two leading candidates are not what I would ca[...]



Clockwork
My lunch break is between 2:30 and 4pm. I always go home. What do I do at home for 90 minutes? I usually lie on my sofa and watch TV or take a nap. Monday to Friday, on their way home from elementary school at 3pm, about 200 kids walk by my place. I see them; they see me. They must think I’m an invalid or shut in. The foreigner who’s always lying on the sofa! About a half dozen kids have started to wave to me as they pass. And I wave back! note: if you look closely, you can see “my ex[...]



I Think I’ll Officially Change My First Name to Melissa the Magnificent
For most of my life, I was a very skinny person.  Underweight even.  I think I topped out at a whopping 104 lbs in high school.  At 5 feet 6 inches tall (okay, so it’s really 5 feet 5 3/4 inches, but you know how it is), that’s very, VERY thin!  In fact, when I [...][...]



Learning to Fly
I can’t believe how fast Aubrey is growing up!  She’s turning into quite the little independent person! [...]



Anybody Have A Tissue?
My husband likes to play a little game.  Whenever he gets bored, he calls me over to his computer and tricks me into watching clips from sad movies.  And I fall for it.  Every time.  And then I spend the next half hour or so sobbing uncontrollably and wiping absently at my runny nose with [...][...]



Spincycle Park
     Summer time is in full swing and it’s that time of year again…water park season!  If you find yourself in the Salem area, come on down to Spincycle Park at La Casa del Laundry!     Home of the Sprayalator!   Are you big enough to brave The Sprayalator’s 15 squiggly, wiggly spraying heads?   Of course you are!     It’s too much [...][...]



Happy Fourth of July!
I know I’m a day late, but we were up late last night watching a fairly mediocre fireworks show downtown.  Which was followed by the traditional stop at the grocery store for all things junk food.  Oh yeah, we know patriotism around here! I’d like to leave you all with a little lesson from that great [...][...]



Seeking Translator: Must Speak Toddler…and Various Other Languages
  My daughter has become quite the chatter-box lately.  She walks around all day long singing songs, telling stories, holding conversations, and, sometimes, berating us.  Most of what I can interpret is talk about ponies (her latest obsession) and her Bunny Baby.  But a lot of it is still hard for me to figure out.  Fortunately [...][...]



Is It Any Wonder I Need to Lose Weight?
How gross is it that I can look at this…   …and think, "A bacon cheeseburger on a glazed donut?  I must try it!"  Or this…   …and think, "Grilled Twinkies?  Now why didn’t I think of that!  Brilliant!" Clearly, I need help.  Maybe if I slip some ipecac into all the foods that are bad for me, I could condition [...][...]



We Are Go for Take-off!
I sat down at my computer this morning to check my e-mail, and what did I see?  The first video submission for the "Where On Earth" video project was sent in by Arpeggio Andy!  Hip, hip, hooray!  Now it feels like this thing is actually gonna happen!  I have been harboring a secret worry that [...][...]



Shameless Self Promotion
I am not a good loser.  I know that I’m supposed to compete "for the fun of it" and that "winning isn’t everything" and that "it’s an honor just to be nominated", but I’ve been nominated a couple of times now and have won exactly ZERO TIMES!  Part of me says, "The definition of insanity [...][...]



Your Participation Would Be More Than Appreciated!
I was commenting on Claudia’s blog today when I had a thought.  And it was a good thought!  A fun thought!  I think.  But it’s going to take all of you (plus any of your readers who you can convince to read this blog post and join in the fun) to pull it off, otherwise [...][...]



Biker Dan
So, I was finally able to get my used bike of Craig’s List. It’s a Iron Horse something Mountain Bike. The Wife and I went biking today and I have a few tips for all you future bikers.1) Look for loose change while biking, I collected a total of 10 cents while on the road today. If I’m lucky enough to find this amount every time I go out, the bike will pay for itself on my 1,000th trip.2) While on the road don’t spit forward, you should lean your head down and spit towards the floor. The wind ca[...]



Sundays with Sylvia: Volume II
Out of all the things that could ruin your appearance, think of the worst thing. Angry boils all over your body? Or that freaky pigmentation thing Michael Jackson has going on? Or maybe instead of leaving it up to mother nature, you'd like to take a more active role in ruining your appearance, like this person:I only said "person" because I wasn't sure if it was a guy or a girl. Anyway, all of these things are wrong.In today's issue of Sundays with Sylvia, we're going to address the thing th[...]



Tomorrow should be fun.
My technician calls me this afternoon to give me a heads up on some issues from over the weekend. Now I absolutely can't wait until tomorrow. My short list of things I have to deal with:1. My idiot store manager-he decided to give the floating pharmacist the third degree this morning. "Who are you? What are you doing here? Are you supposed to be here? Are you really a pharmacist?"No, I'm not really a pharmacist. I'm just a guy. A guy who likes to wear a white coat with name tag. I'm a g[...]



Nights of the Round Fable
Predator Press [LOBO] With the Raiders of the Lost Crusader Meme coming to a close, I would like to take this moment to bring up something serious. After the release of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Indy’s faithful and adorable sidekick “Short Round” just seems to vanish from the face of the Earth. "Well that's impossible," you say. "This could never happen." Well it turns out that about 8% of Predator Press readers are right [...]



New Yorker In Another Smear Campaign
Everyone knows The New Yorker is nothing but racist propaganda, and this just proves it. Next week's cover will feature Barack Obama and his baby mama Michelle in some kind of Muslim, militant Black Panther garb. We're not sure what this means, but we are absolutely offended and will be asking all rational, Fox News viewers around the Universe to protest the filthy New Yorker tabloid for their trashy illustrations. They are even doing a terrorist fist jab on the cover — a ludicrous characteriza[...]



State of the Blog - July 2008
This post may only be of interest to those who are building their own blogs. The study of blogs and blogging has kind of taken over my life lately, to the point where I’m neglecting my own blog as I look in to see what other people are making of theirs. That being said, every day I’m tweaking something, and while it may not be very apparent to anyone who reads this page from week to week, things are slowly changing and my skills keep developing. You maybe can’t tell, but I can.[...]



Hello From Dover - Home of the White, Uh, Somethings
A good portion of your London Drawling team has been in Dover all weekend. What did we miss? Not much, it looks like. But here's this one thing: According to a Newsweek poll (we think), Barack Obama and John McCain are virtually tied in the race for the White House. This means one half of the country prefers a old lying coot, while the other half is ready to cast their vote for a Muslim warlord.But who cares about that, when we know everyone is dying to hear about lovely Dover! Dover doesn't hav[...]



Irish Drinking Stories, Blessings and Proverbs Galore - Video
Ah! Irish drinking stories, Irish blessings and Irish proverbs are my favorite posts. If for some reason I could not post these, I might forget the activity altogether. And we do have some remarkable samples today, if I do say so myself.Thomas O’Shea, an Irish solicitor from Waterford County, was on holiday in the country doing a bit of fox hunting. After a long chase and a valiant effort on the part of the fox, his group’s wounded prey had somehow managed to wiggle through a very small hole in [...]



Microwave
Microwave.Mike Rowe, wave.[...]
Source: Poo Zen



Stop Being So Damn Serious.
When did people start losing their sense of humor? On several occasions I've put this posting on the "Free Stuff" section of CraigsList.com......and each time I put it up, it gets flagged and removed immediately.Followed by hateful emails like this one... Do people only like humor when it doesn't interfere with their daily routine of getting free shit on Craigs LIst? Is it so bad to try injecting a little fun into our everyday boring lives? Stop taking life so seriously people and have a little [...]
Source: Acorn King



I Hate The Metric System
Was this the European release of the movie 8 Mile?I hate the freakin' metric system, it always screws with my enjoyment of the Olympics. I shouldn't have to refer to the inside metric conversion table of my Trapper Keeper just to check how impressive a world record is. Is it just me...or does the metric system really suck? I dunno, just pass me that Royale with cheese.Humor-Blogs.comaddthis_url=''; addthis_title=''; addthis_pub='acornking'; [...]
Source: Acorn King



With ads, it always helps to read the fine print.
Seems like a good deal to me.This one is just wrong, it saddens me that I even thought of this...much less took the time to create it. I hate me. Wait, I mean this was totally a real ad.Humor-Blogs.comaddthis_url=''; addthis_title=''; addthis_pub='acornking'; [...]
Source: Acorn King



If Obama says it's good, then it must be good!
I've been dying to go see the new movie WALL-E, but I just haven't found the time to do it yet. Plus, it's so hard to know if a movie is going to be good or not, and nobody wants to waste their hard-earned money on something that stinks. I know I don't!But Barak Obama, who may very well be our next president, went to go see WALL-E, and he said it was good, so I'm going! I'm going to take all my spare change, buy me a ticket and bucket of popcorn, and really enjoy myself.I'm so glad Mr. Obama has[...]



To The Puking Man On The Side Of The Road
Can you not find a better place to up the chuck? I realize that the body gets what the body wants and it takes not into account the sensitive eyes of other bodies in other cars, but I can’t help but wonder why you didn’t even try to move over to the ditch or use your car as a shield. I mean, most folk would be embarrassed to just hang out of the side of the car spewing a brownish, chunky liquid all over the pavement. I guess because most folk are decent folk. So I guess you are not a[...]



Like, Jeopardy Smart
I think that sometimes you have to ask yourself, what were they thinking? There's this company that makes a lot of children's toys and accessories....Let's call them Shmisher Shmice. With the giant arsenal of baby fun time gay stuff, there's one in particular I'd like to address, which I can't possibly allow my daughter to "explore the possibilities" with. Behold, the Shmisher Shmice nail clippers.Now, this thing is obviously too small for me to play with, so it must have been made for a baby's[...]



The Truth About Tornados
Predator Press [LOBO] Unlike the Discovery Channel, Predator Press doesn’t make you sit through an hour of excruciatingly boring “facts” and “proof”. We’re just going to come right out and say it in the opening paragraph: Tornados Do Not Exist. There. We said it. End of story. This myth –obviously perpetuated to maintain the billions of dollars America shovels into tornado “warnings”, safety equipment and protective gear every year- spins finally [...]



from the vault: Friday, July 17, 1989 (a hot, shitty vacation)
Today we went to Capitol Reef National Park.  Then we went to Arches National Park.  In Capitol Reef we saw 11 deer.  We saw a black bull next to the road.  Dad moo’d at it, and it looked at us real weird.  I took a picture of him.  Tomorrow we will go to Colorado.  We are staying in Canyonland 6 motel.  It has an indoor pool and sauna.  We went in the sauna for 15 minutes then jumped in the cool water.  It felt real good.  It was 150 degrees in the sauna. ————R[...]
Source: muskrat



Picopicopicopicopicopicopicopicopico. Pico.
Double post! Guess what I won? THE ARTE Y PICO AWARD! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Lasers everywhere) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (fireworks) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Jet-ski flies off ramp) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Explodes in mid-air) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Rains cacti) Here are the rules! 1) You must pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award, based upon creativity, design, interesting material, and that also contribute to the blogger community, [...]



MY HEAD EXPLODED!
I searched Spider-Pig on wikipedia because I was bored. This was over the article: “Spider-Pig” redirects here. For the variation of Spider-Man who happens to be a pig, see Spider-Ham. I had no idea that there was a Spider-Ham. If a time traveler messed with the past, you wouldn’t know anything was changed. But actually, it wouldn’t affect anything because if the past was changed, the actions already happened before the time traveler himself even left for the past bec[...]



In Which I Blog About Beer (T-shirts)
Day three of not blogging about beer (and not blogging about not blogging about beer). Today I will tell a true story. A sad story. A few years ago my Spousal Unit became enamored with a brass... [[ This is a content summary only. Visit my website for full links, other content, and more! ]] [...]



Butterfly
Predator Press [LOBO] Once again poor ol' Predator Press is getting robbed of what is rightfully ours. And by 'ours', I mean mine. Don't let Humor Blogs do to me what Sonny Liston did in 1964 when he had to run for a pack of cigarettes and "needed a sparring partner for Muhammad Ali". Now that I think about it, Sonny Liston doesn’t even smoke.I can't believe I fell for that again in 2006. Click this image and vote for me! I think I get morphine if I win. [...]



She Speaks
Get a Voki now! [...]



Stop Suffocating your Fruits!
Well science is at it again, ruining the fun for pretty much every fruit storage enthusiast. Researchers in Belgium have discovered why it is that pears rot faster than apples, and have figured out a way to test the rotting capacity of all fruit on a somewhat objective level. Personally, I think that storing my fruit on top of the microwave, equidistant from one another is the best method for ensuring their freshness. You could always toss them in the fridge, that might get you a few more day[...]



I Made a lolcat so you don’t have to
Is it any wonder Gus is too cool to fool? Look! Gus is a lolcat! Or, he will be, once this photo has been appropriately captioned. And that’s where you come in. I need your help to fulfill Gus’s dream of being a famous lolcat on I Can Has Cheezburger. It’s fun and easy. And free! Simply submit your caption in a comment. It doesn’t even have to be a traditional hilariously misspelled lolcat caption. It can be anything: funny, thoughtful, political, scary, illogical, or ev[...]



Misconceptions
I seem to have a lot of misconceptions. Maybe I’m sterile.   note: I think a James Bond villain lives in this building.   http://humor-blogs.com/ [...]



Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: The English Disease
Brighton, circa. 2000 This young gent claims that his name is Dennis Travesty. Don at Prancing Fairy College. I call him Coclear Implant. Wonder at his hat. The shoes. And where, do you ask, are the monkeys in this photo? They consumed his artificial eyelashes shortly after it was snapped. And still, I travel… Next Time: When Fate Has Its Say About the Photographer: Toulouse Le Grandfig was a surrealist painter, photographer and writer who never gave up dadaism. Also, he never said never [...]
Source: The Skwib



Please do not eat this cartoon
Digg it | Stumble it | del.icio.us | reddit [...]



Ice-cream Kid Escapes Again
For those simpletons who cannot grasp the immense wit and cleverness behind the title of this particular blog, it is a fictitious breakout of the four letters featured in this photo. Don't get me wrong; I don't mean to be condescending (that means talking down to you like you're a moron). For those of you who do not know IKEA, please post a comment and let the rest of us know how life under the rock is treating you. We didn't start the day with the plan to go to IKEA. We actually planned to go t[...]



Precious Encouragements 07/13/08
This has been your Precious Encouragement of the Week.  Have a good day if you can. [...]



Blackening the Bride
This is one way to blacken a bride. Atypical Events collected some odd wedding customs from around the world, and describes “blackening the bride” as: “In the Scottish pre-wedding tradition of “Blackening the Bride,” The bride is taken by surprise and covered with foul substances, such as eggs, various sauces, feathers, and well you name it… “The bride to be, officially blackened, is then paraded around town, and of course a few pubs, for all to see.” I like the p[...]



Caption Competition - And the Winner is…
Big thanks to everyone who gave this Caption Competition go. The one I liked the best was from Chris. Well Done and here it is... [...]



Knight Off - Unexpected!
A slight deviation from Aurthorian mythology for this one. [...]



Arcadians - weighty issues
[...]



Acadians - Game Over
[...]



Monsters - In the News
If you don't get this one it maybe that it is probably a UK thing! [...]



Fun With Cleaning.
When living alone, it’s important to keep yourself entertained at all times.Now...I’m not sure if this is the epitome of laziness, or the height of entertainment, but I was given a Roomba robot vacuum as a gift for Christmas and ever since it has provided me with hours of enjoyment. Here are a few things I like to do with my robot vacuum:My girlfriend swears that the Roomba is stealing things when we’re not looking. Now that think I about it, I have been missing several socks and an Osmonds 8-tr[...]
Source: Acorn King



Labour Can Be Fun, Dear
Sally quailed. “Give birth there?” she asked. “With no hospital, no doctors, no drugs? Are you kidding me?” Lana shrugged. “Can’t see any other way!” she said calmly. “If anything goes wrong, I promise we’ll take you to hospital - we’ll deal with publicity leaks somehow. But drugs… honey, I’ve got fantastic drugs. So don’t worry about that. You’ll enjoy it, I promise.” “A fun labour?” Sally aske[...]



Vacation Over; New Angry Seafood Content Monday
“Okay. The first day on my vacation, what I did on my summer vacation, the first day on my vacation, I woke up. Then, I went downtown to look for a job. Then I hung out in front of the drugstore. The second day on my summer vacation, I woke up, then I went downtown to look for a job. Then I hung out in front of the drugstore.” “Sister Mary Elephant” ~Cheech & Chong I know technically I wasn’t on a vacation. That actually comes up next month. Camping trip with[...]



Lazy Sunday XLVI
Welcome to the 46th Edition of Lazy Sunday! Two weeks ago was a little hard, I guess. Nobody correctly guessed that the answer to #15 was "Once Upon a Time in Mexico". You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is for my friend Dan. In little more than a week, he and 9 friends will be walking 78 miles in six days for charity, with all proceeds[...]
Original content is copyright 2007 by Rob Kroese.
Syndicated content is the property of the individual authors.